How to Make Your Mark

Early this morning my wife and I had a slight misunderstanding as we were going out. Her car was parked in the garage, which we normally get to through the basement. My truck was parked outside in the drive-way. My wife had expected me to be taking her car because she had seen me go to the basement earlier. However, I found that her seats were all covered with books and magazines. So, I came back upstairs, took our son and headed out through the kitchen door to the driveway, where my truck was parked.

My mistake was that I did not tell her that I was going to take the truck since I assumed that she knew the seats in her car were covered with books and magazines. Well, long story short, she was not very happy when she finally came outside because she had had to go down the stairs, out through our backyard and finally all the way round the house to the driveway. She expressed her displeasure and I knew that I had to apologize. I’d like to share the process that I used. Hopefully, this will be a tool that you can use too when you need to apologize to someone. My process is an acronym of the word APOLOGIZE.

How to APOLOGIZE:

Acknowledge the offense - The first step in apologizing is acknowledging that you did something wrong. Many of us fail to do this because of pride or shame. Acknowledging the offense simply means taking responsibility for your actions. It takes a lot of courage, maturity and humility to acknowledge that you were on the wrong.

Purpose to focus on your actions - It is so tempting during a misunderstanding to want to point out the other person’s role. You have to focus on your actions because you have or had no control over the other person’s actions. Do not be tempted to point out the other person’s errors, mistakes or flaws. 

Outline what you did wrong - Clearly explain what you did wrong. You have to be direct and honest. Outlining your actions is best done face-to-face. We live in a technologically savvy world and it is so easy to want to send a quick email or make a phone call. However making an apology is best done face-to-face.

Listen for feedback and criticism - Be open to feedback or criticism from the other person. This is not a time to defend yourself. I have always looked at feedback as feed-forward - information designed to make me a better person tomorrow. Listening for feedback proves that you are willing to make changes.

Offer your sincere apologies - Clearly state that you are sorry for the offense. Being sincere means that you have to avoid using the word ‘but’. Many people apologize like this: ”I’m sorry, but ..” Saying ‘but’ really means that you are not sorry. Again, this also means that you are not focusing on your own actions.

Genuinely express remorse - This is really the first step in repairing the damage done. You have to ask for forgiveness. The benefit of this is that it demonstrates to the offended party that you want the relationship to go back to normal. Expressing remorse is essential for the relationship to begin afresh. 

Identify how you can make amends - This depends on the nature of the offense. Think about what caused the misunderstanding or offense and then figure out what you can do next time so that it does not happen again. You have to really uncover what the underlying problem is and make sure that you never repeat this mistake again.

Zero-in on a resolution - A true apology requires a resolution of the problem. Do something specific that remedies the situation and allows trust to be restored in the relationship. Look the offended person in the eye and assure them that you will do everything necessary to avoid this problem in future.

Endeavor to repair damages done- Finally, there are many things you can do to build-up and enhance the relationship. This might be as simple as a kiss, a note, flowers or a letter to the person you had offended. This communicates to the recipient that you have put everything behind you and the issue should be brought up again.